Let Sheedom Ring

Women With Voices

Tammy J

Copyright © 2011 by Tammy J.

ISBN:          Softcover                                 978-1-4568-7119-2

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4568-7120-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:
Xlibris Corporation
1-888-795-4274
www.Xlibris.com
Orders@Xlibris.com
94822

Contents

Introduction

Preface

CHAPTER 1:   Varieties . . . .

CHAPTER 2:   Poverty . . . .

CHAPTER 3:   Parenthood (single) . . . .

CHAPTER 4:   ABUSE (physical and emotional) . . . .

CHAPTER 5:   Lifestyles . . . .

CHAPTER 6:   Mental Illness . . . .

CHAPTER 7:   Politics . . . .

CHAPTER 8:   Success . . . .

CHAPTER 9:   Relationships (dating and marriage) . . . .

CHAPTER 10:   Open For Discussion . . . .

(BONUS CHAPTERS)

CHAPTER 11:   Confessions . . . .

CHAPTER 12:   Confident Woman . . . .

Epilogue

 INTRODUCTION

Let Sheedom Ring (Women With Voices)!
by Tammy J . . . .

Inside, Tammy J shares with you her authentic and unsugarcoated thoughts and views, most of her life she was shy and quiet, but Tammy J realizes that she as well as women in general do have a voice, views, etc. and that its time we stop being put on the backburner in life and unheard . . . .

Let Sheedom Ring is based on a woman’s expressions, accomplishments, and more, filled with inspiring quotes, poetry, words of encouragement (w.o.e), and more, this is my contribution to womanhood . . . .

“Women we are great, we are emotional and we are very necessary, isn’t it time the world heard what we had to say, what we have done, and what we can do?

A woman can be delicate, submissive, forgiving, and quite passionate, but we do speak our minds and we deserve to be heard”.

 PREFACE

First of all God bless everyone, and I ask that if I offend anyone by my words and expressions, please forgive me, but I do feel the need to speak out and keep it real, also want to remind you of some of our heroic women of the past and present, that may or may not get enough exposure/mention; its a new day for the women, its time we get our shine on!

I want to acknowledge and thank a lot of you in general and in particular, my grandma, (Lenora Smith) may she rest in peace!

Fantasia, Monica, Keisha Cole, Latoya Luckett, Beyonce, Tboz, Carol Roth, Renee Bobb, Unspoken, Kashuna Perfected, Betty (makin it happen) Wright, Gabriey Sidabey, Mary Mary, Queen Latifah, Eve, Missy Elliott, YoYo, Salt n Peppa, Tasha Smith, Alecia Keyes, Mama Dee, Eunice
Johnson (Ebony), Cicely Tyson, Jennifer Lopez, Jazmine Sullivan, Loretta Devine, Francis Ratcliff, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, Shalonda Tolbert, Patricia, Sofia, Angelique, Dee, Zane, Sandra Brown, Patricia Cornwell, Oprah, Tyra Banks, Maya Angelou, Marriane Williamson, Joyce Meyers, Juanita Bynum, CeCe Winans, Jennifer Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Judge Judy, Judge Marilyn Millian, Judge Karen, Whoopi Goldberg, Sherrie Shepherd, Barbara Walters, Paula Patton, Mariah Carey, Brandi, Judge Mabeline, Judge Lynn Toler, Judge Hatchett, Madea lol, Adell Givens, Samore, Angela Bassett, Pink, Mariah Carey, Beyonce Foxx, Dana Divine, Syble (Tom Joyner’s), Mary J Blige, Monique, Patti Labelle, Aretha Franklin, Anita Baker, Tina Turner, Diana Ross, Michelle Obama, and to the very many women who has and does make the world go round . . . .

When a man finds a wife he finds a good thing, we are a gift, and women despite our flaws or what we think, we need to recognize that as a fact!

 CHAPTER 1

 Varieties . . . .

Just as they say different strokes for different folks, which means we all come in varieties, be it size, color, culture, intelligence, independence, morals, etc., as they say theres a woman for every man, my belief is that there are more women then men, I’m not saying it is a proven fact, but thats what I believe. And yet its so hard to find a real man out here, well, thats a stereotype too, I recently accepted the fact that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, but where I should have been looking is within myself, who can love me like I do, whos gonna appreciate me the way I need to be, whos gonna treat me the way I want to be treated? Once I find that within myself I can find that elsewhere, women if we respect ourselves a descent man will not have a problem with doing it . . . .

Although I was convinced that I needed to be a size 2, a pro in stilettos and an interchangeable face packed with makeup, and no matter how much I tried and desired being this model like being that I could not, my body is not fit for that, I am a plus size, flat shoe wearing, naturally beautiful woman, once we start accepting who we are inside and out we will be okay, you know why a lot of us women experience low self esteem issues, because we dwell on the fact that we can’t be who and what we wanna be, and that is mostly what you are not designed to be. We put on our heels trying to impress (now I’m not saying anything is wrong with heels, but if you know you can’t walk in them why bother to wear em? We throw on piles of makeup and fragrance hoping that that will draw the man to you, but a lot of times by doing this we send out the wrong signals/message. Some women get a certain job just so that they can hold on to their man or stalk him, some women try to outdo the other woman by competing for a man’s love, but if you have to compete for his love, attention or anything, he is not the man for you . . . .

As I said I am a plus size (aka spread) and I am not ashamed, anymore, I’ve even nicknamed myself The Big Gurl Diva, I wasn’t always so accepting of this and open about my physique, I can remember as early as 8 years old I dealt with weight issues, I was also teased in high school and as a young adult, when I started having my kids, it seem like after the second child I just blew up and couldn’t get back down, even though I tried and tried, many of the times I tried, I would picture myself in something hot and sexy which would be my motivation, cause I wanted to make my body sexy for attention from the guys, I guess thats why it never worked, to be honest, each time I would lose weight I would gain back double or more than what I lost, but now that I realize I must do it for myself, it works better, but I have accepted the fact that I am who I am and I am what I am and I will only change me for me, should I change!

But then you have some women out here that are just as petite and actually wants to be bigger and just can’t get there, some are knocked kneed and want to be bow leg, and visa versa, some have short hair and want long, and some have long hair and wants it shorter, there are women who want to be single and then you have some that wants to be married, you have light skinned want to be darker, and darker wants to be lighter, whatever the case ladies, we need to be happy with whom we are, as I was taught you can’t be anyone else better than you can be yourself, and no one can be or do you better than you can be or do yourself! So as suggested and advised by the lovable Mary J Blige, “work that” just work what you got mommies . . . .

I often would think that I’m not good enough to be in a descent relationship, well I look around and I see women small as a Barbie doll who gets their hearts broken, who gets poor treatment from men and anyone else that they allow!

No matter who we are as women, no matter the shape or size no matter your social status or background, and no matter who you are at all, we have got to embrace ourselves, love ourselves, respect ourselves, believe in ourselves, (in a nutshell) Let Sheedom Ring”......

You got to look deep within yourselves and find your true happiness, create happiness of your own, so that it would not be so easy to have your heart broken, because when that man/lover has disappointed you, you’ll have something to fall back on, you still can look on the bright side and look to that thing that makes you happy about you, and the healing process won’t take so long! I wanted to share a poem I wrote, hope ya like it . . . .

A Woman’s Touch: By Tammy J

Looking deep within inside of me, to find true happiness and where I wanna be;

No diamonds and no money can make me feel, this feeling I’ve found thats all so real;

Although the above would be so nice, but don’t allow yourself to be bought, please take my advice;

We must first find that happiness from within ourselves, before we can seek it in anyone else;

Yes we all come in various shapes sizes and colors, but we’re all still the same in one way or another;

We allow our feelings too much be dictated, we fall carelessly in love to only be manipulated;

Is it real or is it just a dream, that we as women need to have more self esteem;

I’ve often heard that its a man’s world and in its so much, but what would it be without a woman’s touch???

Ladies we gotta stop allowing ourselves to be victimized, we gotta stop holding our heads down, taking the back seat in life, and I can’t stress it enough that a lot of this behavior is stemmed from the result of having low self esteem and lack of confidence. I know because I was there and for a long time! One day after church I was speaking with a friend of mine and she told me don’t worry about what I look like and stop looking at myself a certain way, basically stop being ashamed (which at that point I had already gotten over my insecurities and imperfections and accepted who I was and how I looked), she also told me that others look at me and see something totally different from the things I disliked about myself, and love me for who I am, (charisma, character, style, positivity, smile, and even body) we have to convince ourselves that we do indeed got it going on, and so what if everyone else doesn’t agree, as long as you feel it and believe it . . . .

So I pass it on to you ladies, stop looking at your outer appearance and accept who you are inside and that shall become your outside, now isn’t that beautiful?

 CHAPTER 2

 Poverty . . . .

I wasn’t very sure of how I would start off this chapter, but reality hit, and it hit hard, and here goes, my daughter just came to me and sadly said there isn’t anything to eat in the kitchen, so I had to go scrape up something to eat, now I know many of you say or wonder why I got so personal, well, I chose to share that with you all because I said I will keep it real, and this chapter is about poverty, (financially, health wise, socially and all) what keeps us in poverty though is fear. Fear of what, I don’t know, but I can only answer for myself, but first I wanna say this, we allow the system to manipulate us (welfare, etc.) we fear or figure that we won’t be heard or we won’t be taken seriously anyway so why try? I am not happy where I am in life, no matter how much I travel to the aid office and raise hell, they still don’t take me serious, because I am a single mom who needs these lil funky foodstamps from them, so therefore they’ll continue to toy with me treat me with no respect and basically string me along, I know I’m not the only one that goes through this though, like I had this one worker to tell me that they can’t help anyone who won’t help them self and that if you take 1 step God takes 2 for you, well yes

I’m a believer of that, cause look I’m writing books, anyway this/these programs were created because of women in poverty and in need, they were designed to help women, yes they have extended the services and renamed some of them and all, but initially it was because the women needed help, and mainly its because the man has taken off and left the woman to raise the child alone, or the family as a whole is in need, maybe the man can’t work or can’t find work, which is why I said they have extended and renamed some of these programs, but it started with women and yet they wanna make it so hard for us . . . .

What about housing, the CHA program and HUD?, first they give it to you to trap you and then snatch it away from you, its like teasing a dog with a steak. You put the steak in front of him and allow him to get a few nibbles of it and just when hes deep into it and its good, you go and snatch it out of his mouth, don’t you expect that dog to raise up barking and growling, trying to get it back, well thats how the governmental system treats us, they give us that juicy steak and then snatch it out of our mouth, now thats poverty, so statistics and all should stop trying to figure out why the people have that dog mentality. And when they started yelling this crazy stuff about child abuse (fake), even if you barely spank your child they wanna holler, but they can beat your child’s brains out, and thats my views and I’m sure so many will agree, and they take our kids and destroy them with the B.S. and look at us to blame for the way they have grown up with all this killing and crimes and s**#, its hard for us as women, no matter what, but we as women especially as parents, young and old, we must go into our prayer closets and claim victory over our

children, honestly ladies there is a battle going on and as I’ve been taught since I was a child, a spiritual battle, now some of you may not believe but I do! Biblically speaking we must obey and take heed, as said if you spare the rod you spoil the child, so you know what you gotta do ladies/moms) . . . .

Honestly, poverty is what you make of it, because although poverty is recognized as a state of negative living, but if you don’t let it consume you and create bondage for you, whereas you believe you can’t do anything about it, then it will be what it is, now don’t misunderstand me, I am hood born, hood raised, and all, but I make light of my situations, one by sharing with you my realities, plus I previously wrote Hood Divas, so that lets you know I represent and have love for the hood, but of course I don’t like having to send my kids through ringing bullets like they’re in Iraq or something, I don’t like having to worry about paying my bills, and I definitely don’t like looking my kids in the eyes and telling them I can’t feed them, I refuse to be poverty bound, so I’m standing up and being heard, are ya with me ladies?

Let There Be Peace (a poem by Tammy J) . . . .

Its time to stand up its time to shout its time we showed what life is really about;

Just because we’re all born of another mother, it doesn’t mean we have to hate and kill each other;

Youths all across this nation lives in confusion and frustration, kids are pulling triggers with no hesitation they need love and true dedication;

Just as Keisha Cole celebrates her new album release, we need to unite and promote this thing called peace;

Aren’t you tired of turning on the tv and seeing hurtful news, of another mother heartbroken and crying the blues;

From her child being beat 2 death or shot cold in the streets, you flip the channel to see it only repeats;

Over and over and over again, in circumstances like these everyone loses and no one wins;

The killer whose been caught by lying, and the one rushed to the hospital who still ends up dying;

Its crazy its sickening what is the world coming to, moms dads pastors and all theres something we must do;

Lets put a stop to multiplying the deceased, pick up your cross and pray for

Peace, Peace, Peace . . . .

 CHAPTER 3

 Parenthood (single) . . . .

I’m a grandma of a beautiful little girl, shes 2 years old and I see her mom all over her, thats right my own baby who was my pride and joy when she was born, well she still is but I got 4 more since then, of course back then when she was born I didn’t think I would be raising her on my own, especially with all the usual lies her father fed me, but it happens. Anyhow I gave birth to a little fuzzy headed girl, and at the age of 15 there was no way I was ready to be a mother, thats right I admit I was a very young mother, I dropped out of school, got on welfare and all, because I had to do what I had to do for my child, I had no education, I had a poor background and hell of a family, its funny how we as mothers will do any and everything for our children. I wasn’t always there for my baby though, I was a young mother and I would still run the streets and would leave my child on my mom a lot, I mean even for days at a time, and now when my daughter does the same to me, I don’t really trip, cause I believe as they say what goes around comes around, but I also recognize some resentment from her behalf, and I guess I’m still trying to make up for that, but as shes doing it to me, she must realize she has a daughter too. Moms theres a difference between allowing your kid to run over you and being lenient, lets not get it confused though . . . .

I got 5 kids and proud of each one of them, some people claim that their children are mistakes, well I don’t and I’m a very strong believer that everything happens for a reason, guess what my name is Jackson, I come from a long line of Jacksons, I guess you can say I sorta kept up the tradition I have a set of Jackson 5’s, lol . . . . Anyway mothers we have to love our kids, encourage them, be there for them, as I said I haven’t had the best childhood and upbringing, so parenthood is not my expertise (parse) but I know from experience which is the best teacher anyway, children likes attention, they like to be read to sometimes, I’m an odd one though, I love to write but I don’t like to read, but I sacrifice for my kids. A hug a kiss a kind word or whatever that lets your kids know you love em. Now don’t get it wrong I do believe in pulling out the strap and chastising my kids when necessary, but you gotta know how to level it out! We don’t have to be cowards and allow our children to run over us to show them we love them, we don’t have to take em by the hand to teach them to do whats right, and we don’t have to be them or lower our expectations and compromise with them, mothers who express and show tough love don’t feel bad, tough love is good, look at what it did for Judge Mathis, and I take my wig off to Alice Mathis . . . .

Parenting is hard but you take what you have learned as you were coming up and blend it with what you want or expect of your children and go for it, now I don’t advise anyone to go and have kids if they are not ready, especially young girls, I mean although I did it, but I had to learn the hard way and it wasn’t easy and all parents aren’t the same, but I wish you mothers the best in raising your children, I know it really sucks for us who does it single handedly, but thats another thing that shows the strength in us, not that we look forward to it, but we do it (raise our kids alone), but when we do you better know that we are considered strong and independent. So single moms I share your pain as far as being in the same boat, but look on the bright side “we are worrier women”, and although science has screwed with our intelligence, talking about a man getting pregnant (yea right) I haven’t seen a man yet that actually can give birth to a baby, the men that they had in the media were no more than women with preop surgery, known as a transgender but not complete, and not an actual man, yet they have so much to say about us but they wanna take our place and be us!

Another thing moms, we can’t always give to our kids all that we want to and all they would like for us to (obviously) but continue to give your kids love, teach them right and to respect others, and the truth about God, and that goes a long way . . . .

 CHAPTER 4

 ABUSE (physical and emotional) . . . .

This is a touchy subject/chapter for me, but I sacrifice my feelings for you all, because I want my readers to get that total authenticity of me, remember I vowed to keep it real, so I have to tell you the truth, this is how I reach out to others, and relate to people, and I intend to instill that hope and faith in you, knowing that if I made it through you can too! Anyhow as I said I did have my child quite early, but what I experienced by the hands of the dad, I would/ could never be prepared for, he used to beat on me a lot, he once kneed me in my head and attacked me in front of my kids, I was afraid I mean I was always afraid, but being who I am I would never back down in an argument or anything when I know I’m right, that is just automatic, I would always look him in the eye and speak my mind, and knowing that it would more than likely get my head beat in, I had to stand up for myself and speak the truth, no matter what, as a woman and you all know how we are, we get our points across and if you never did it you should try it, not the part about getting your ass kicked, but the stand up and speak your mind part of course . . . .

I would like to give ya a couple of scenarios; one day I had been gone from the house for a few hours longer than I had planned to and I wasn’t alone, I had actually hung out with his brother’s girlfriend, but she had a proclaimed reputation and he assumed she had rubbed off on me, my thing is that he was obviously just jealous and insecure, (probably afraid that someone else might have found me attractive too),and he must have thought that I was up to no good, (Boom, I think I just created him an excuse) lol . . . . He started asking me where I was, he was angry and demanding answers, but he didn’t believe me, and at that time he pushed me and attempted to grab me, but I snatched away, and then he drew back so hard, (it felt like his lick came from Mississippi), he hit me so hard in my ear (left) and now to this day I am hard of hearing from that . . . .

Real talk a man should never hit a woman, I know a lot of men believes if a woman will hit, she should get hit back, well I’ll say this much a woman shouldn’t put her hands on her man either, but physically a woman cannot take the strength of a man throwing blows at her body, and men especially if this is the woman you say you love and care for, you definitely should not put your hands on her, its sad that a lot of these young girls today thinks that thats the way he shows his love, but honestly girls, it isn’t, I have heard that term a long time ago, and jealousy is somewhat cute, it makes you know that he does care for you in a way, but when he put his hands on you thats a whole nother story, thats not love thats crazy, I see a lot of these girls with bruises on their bodies and black eyes and all, at that point you should tell him to keep his love, tell him go cut up a dress or bust some windows out yo car or something (Jasmine Sullivan style) lol, but keep your hands to yourself, people fail to realize that this can lead to him killing them, and it aint even that much love in this world. And why is it that a guy, young, old, thug, or whatever, girls think “oooh he love me cause he blacked my eye, but your moma for all your life (15, 17, or 18 years) won’t put a finger on ya, and you swear she is crazy or she don’t care about ya or nothing, I can say this world is twisted and confused!!!

Another time I had my niece as a child, she spent the weekend with me, and she wet the couch (for God’s sake she was a child, a baby for that matter) she couldn’t have been no more than 4 or 5, but anyway while I was still sleeping he hit her in her head and left a mark, and when I did wake up and saw that I snapped, I had him hemmed up in the corner with a 10 inch butcher knife held at his neck, and that went on for about 10 minutes with me cussing him out and me promising to cut him if he ever did something like that again, that was the beginning of me fighting back, another time we were arguing over my car, because he had totaled his by flipping it over on the expressway, (high and drunk I might add, but God is good) and he wanted me to give him my keys and be stranded waiting on him to return? I don’t think so, but eventually he beat me up for that, but what made him start thinking twice about hitting me was years later when he choked me and I ended up holding another butcher knife to his throat in one hand and lifting him slightly from the floor with the other one. I still don’t know where that strength came from, I was as shocked as he was!

After that he was guaranteed to get a fight each time he hit me . . . . and not to put his business out like that, but he was a not so descent man, politically correct, Rock n Roll, Sex and Drugs (parse), and that goes to show how low my self esteem was, I would allow him to do anything to me and treat me any kind of way! I would put up with the lies, and drugs, and verbal abuse (which affected me mentally and emotionally).

“No, I don’t brag ladies, I just want to point out that if I can do it, you can too, overcome the fear, the lack of confidence, and all lacks thereof, rise above it, express you, be you, live you . . . .

“I so strongly believe that no one can do me better than me, no one can work me like I can work me, so basically ladies no one can do us better than ourselves, right?

Yes it is a struggle, and it will take some time, but if you want to be who you were meant to be (a strong woman), you gotta put in the effort, believe in yourselves and be true to yourselves, accept the who that you are and no matter who you are ladies, Stand Up . . . .

And speaking of stand up that reminds me of Ludacris’s song Stand Up, and speaking of Luda, that refers me to his most recent battle of the sexes album.

“Hey Luda whats up with that, you already know we’ll win, a woman is too deep, as you men say we’re too emotional, so you know we always thinking, in my opinion a woman can probably even out think a robot, lol . . . . But anyway yes emotions are where its at, cause as I recall it was a song back in the 90’s that went something like this (emotions make ya cry sometimes, emotions make you sad sometimes, it’ll make you mad it’ll make you sad, but most of all, makes you fall in love) where my old skools, H-Toooown, I would like to hear them come back with something new, but anyway we even had the men riding with us (agreeing),lol. “Tell me we weren’t blessed by God” . . . .

Women we are royalty, we deserve to be celebrated as we should celebrate, I have been through the storms as a woman, and I’ve earned my pay, what about you? You see for 12 years I went through the lies, the drugs, the disrespect, the infidelity, the crying and the being disgusted, and stressed out, I’ve been through the tortures of manipulation, sexual assault, degrading, physical and verbal abuse, etc. I mean its so much us women have to go through, so don’t be too quick to call a woman crazy and don’t second guess it and don’t try to understand why, cause God knows, everything happens for a reason. And I thank Him for even my struggles and troubles, because with the strength that God provided me and instilled in me, I was able to deal with those things and overcome them, and become a stronger person, and hey now I’m a writer, now if I had not experienced these things, I couldn’t be the writer I want to be, (it just wouldn’t be real, so it wouldn’t be right)! Ladies no matter your ethnicity culture or religion, we are the soul of the earth and its time we stop allowing ourselves to be considered anything less, we want dignity, respect, attention and most and most of all love, but ladies you must first

love yourself, love yourself enough to change, do you care enough for yourself to be true to yourself, don’t you want more for yourself? We gotta stop allowing them to abuse us, physically, emotionally or otherwise . . . .

 CHAPTER 5

 Lifestyles . . . .

This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it; “I needed to say that, because I am so blessed to be here, lets just say some things I did in my earlier days, I really shouldn’t be here, but its evident I got a purpose, and as a reminder to you all, ditto, you too have a purpose . . . .

I don’t point the finger at the people who makes mistakes, I am a true example of that, but I don’t encourage it either, I pray that young girls don’t follow my previous path and make some of the decisions I’ve made, you know as they say, if I could turn back the hands of time, and then I ask myself if I could would I? I think what I have been through and witnessed has made me who I am today, and as you know, everyone has a testimony right? I do realize its not always easy, and that everyone can’t bounce back like an NBA star though, so its good to prevent mistakes before they happen, but if you don’t you shouldn’t beat yourself up no one is perfect, and just always remember to pray!

To all the young ladies out there trying to find validity in a man, you don’t need a man to validate your beauty, rather or not if you’re clever enough, you have to open your own eyes and focus them on the woman in the mirror and tell her shes beautiful, shes smart, shes sexy, she is all that, and she will be all that!

My bad if I step on any toes, but I’m just saying, where did the term Gold digger come from? Well wherever it came from, it really sticks today, I mean really, I look at some women today and say, “wow what has God put me into, cause some women make me ashamed to be a woman, some just mess it up for the next one, and then her chances are harder, and I will say this there is a difference between needing help and juicing and using others for everything they can. Now if thats your lifestyle and your cup of tea then do you, but I’m just saying. For the ladies out here on the struggle (prostituting, pimping, or whatever their hustle is) I don’t condone wrong doing at all, but I don’t knock you for what you do, in other words I don’t judge you, but as women we deserve better, so ladies step yo game up . . . .

We got the women up in the corporate America world, they go to work with their skirts and heels and glasses and all, and women we looking good too, but lower your heads before ya get a nose bleed, heads all high and held too far back, almost looking like they’re on morality’s race horses, nan just kidding, but lets stop looking down on others, and do what we do best, we’re teased because we are so damn emotional and to me thats also loving, now lets spread some of that love, if we will ladies . . . .

Ladies Ladies Ladies Ladies Ladies Ladies Laaadieeezzz (in my nephew Tommy voice/Steve Harvey morning show), we know we up in the clubs and we feeling good, but do we gotta grind on every man that speaks to us? I’m just sayin . . . .

You know the old saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, well it works for women too, well at least I know it works for me, lol, anyway I love a man that cooks (thats like striking it rich) lol, I love a man that runs bath water, I love a man that does the candle things, I love a man thats just passionate, I guess I’m just one of those that likes to be pampered with attention, sometimes theres nothing wrong with being spoiled, but he can’t be too passionate/feminine though, I’m just saying . . . .

I just basically love a man that is not so dam selfish and petty . . . .

To my other ladies, yes the ladies that likes the other ladies, I understand you wanting to be with another woman, but whats with the wanting to imitate or be a man, I mean whats the whole thing with the butch or the stud/scud thing ya know wanting to look like a man, that sorta defeats the purpose doesn’t it? I mean if you a girl that likes girls why date someone that looks like a man? I mean it still looks like a hederal sexual relationship, I’m just saying . . . .

Whatever you are or choose to do so be it, but love yourself, respect yourself, be true to yourself because you owe it to yourself . . . .

I watch doctors (WCIU) enough to know that not only by my own experiences, but also by scientific proven facts, that your emotions are connected to your mental and they affect one another. So if you continue to hurt someone, know that it will eventually affect the mental, and many heartbreaks leads to breakdowns (mental and emotional) and destruction, equally I think a lot of the urban communities and women are the same, if they are constantly being abused then they are bound to break, snap, react, etc.; now some of us can do it calmly and quietly and respectfully, we call this classy and mature or even strong, lol . . . .

 CHAPTER 6

 Mental Illness . . . .

This too use to be an emotional subject for me, but I do realize how important the truth is and revealing it makes me feel better, let us pray, I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me . . . .

I am currently going through treatment and counseling at an outpatient mental illness clinic, I have been experiencing mental health issues (some severe) but as we all know there is nothing too hard for God! But going through being a victim of molestation/fondling, depression even as young as 12 years old, trying to commit suicide, bipolar acts and outburst episodes, punching out glass windows with my bare hand, you name it, I am no longer ashamed to admit these things, but as you know the first step to recovery or healing is admittance/acceptance that you need help. Anyway now I’m getting the help that I so desperately need, now I was going through treatment and therapy early on, but there are some things I realize now about my life in the past (good and bad). And now I openly accept them, as well as the responsibilities that comes with it.

I had to open up and tell my therapist and psyche doctor some things I experienced in my past, like when I was touched by my uncle, I was attacked by my own brother when I was about 27 years old (I mean my eye was sealed shut, mouth all busted up and everything), I guess I was designed to be a human punching bag cause my kid’s father would punch on me, remember he even busted my ear drum?, tell me I wasn’t some sort of target, my grandfather would always verbally assault me, he would tell me that he hated me and wished me dead, I was all kinds of fat whores at 16 (according to him), and I was of course emotionally traumatized by this, but I as a woman would have the last word in most cases, but these things and more later eventually lead me to a breakdown (aka stroke), I would hold things in a lot, and as Jay Z said pressure busts pipes, and that is one of the truest statements I know . . . .

I am a loyal listener to the Doug Banks show with DeDe McGuire, (thats my girl and she sounds like Tasha Smith to me), anyway one day listening to DeDe’s 5 things (updates) anyway statistics has it that mental illness in the African American communities is not mentioned enough and it goes poorly untreated, well, first of all its not too many people who are proud of having a mental illness (ashamed) no matter what community, because often you are secluded and treated differently, mostly with no respect, but truthfully it is what it is, no one asks for this, no one wants to be an outcast, and we women has very much a reason to be whacko or different, lol, but don’t be alarmed, all folks that are experiencing some sort of mental issue are not violent, anyway all the things I seen lead me to this point, and I’m sure there are many many more out there who has experienced the same.

Ladies get it together, don’t be so hard on yourselves because of your mental abilities/disabilities, your differences and all, I’m listening to Jasmine Sullivan, wow this subject/chapter, lol, but these things can lead a woman who is very emotionally stricken/hurt to do a countdown on your ass, or bust your windows out your car, but its really not worth it ladies, get your revenge by moving on and getting better, cause as they say you don’t miss your water until your well runs dry, get on top, be on top, and watch em hate it that they don’t have control over your emotions or anything, then one day he may ask you or even wonder, if you got Gatorade? Whereas he’ll need to quench that thirst, lol . . . .

I’m proud to mention that I am doing good in treatment and counseling, I’m part of this women’s empowerment group, thats actually through the mental health center at which I attend, and this actually does me justice, it feels good to sit and discuss with others your realities and visa versa, others relate to you, its such a wonderful feeling to know others help you and you help them! Its like having another family and friends, I love my sisters, Pat, Dee, Sofia, Angelique, Shalinda Tolbert, we gotta be strong. Our emotions are connected to our mental and our mental is connected to our spiritual and to our physical, I love Fantasia’s Doin Me! And rather it be physical, emotional, or anything, I am doin me, I love you Fantasia, sometimes we give more than we should to a man, but if we looked in ourselves we would see that we don’t have to give our all to their nothing, be happy about ourselves, be it mentally impaired and all, we are who we are, you gotta love yourself . . . .

 CHAPTER 7

 Politics . . . .

Women in politics, now what can I say about that? Well I’d like to ask what about that?, I know that we have come a long long way, remember when we were not allowed to even vote? Look at us now, in the old days men would say women are not suppose to be heard, well look at us now, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Dorothy Tillman, Carol Mosley Braun, Michelle Obama, thats right I said Michelle Obama, because although she doesn’t have a political title, but she is very supportive of her husband’s decisions, and obviously his back bone, so even if she is not a political figure officially, she has the title that serves as equal, wife! My wig off to Michelle for she has done so many inspiring things, shes motivational and I just love her, besides she favors my baby sister, lol, Michelle Obama has in her own way, Let Sheedom Ring . . . .

 CHAPTER 8

 Success . . . .

When God whispers to you it is inspiration, therefore your thoughts and desires are manifested and they come true, by the will that He has instilled in us! Everyone has a dream even men, we may not realize it or have found it yet, we put too much trust and hope into other people and other things for us to believe in ourselves, but we must look within and reach inside and pull it out. We all have talents that we have been blessed with by God, as singers, actors, writers,doctors, etc. Women when things go wrong and plans fail, we take things too serious, too hard, maybe this is the curse of Eve, and we’re so emotional and most of the time it does hurt, but it is what it is, and most men don’t care one way or the other. I had this one guy to tell me that he is not dumb and he went to college this and university that and he was sooo educated, but when it comes down to it its not the degree who speaks for you, the education is not always where its at, hell, I can be a doctor before he can, ladies listen to me nan . . . .

Yaw know that song and saying, experience is the best teacher? Well a psychiatrist gets in your head and determine your illness and by that they are psychiatrists. Well since I’m so emotional and deep and as I said as a woman you think more you feel more, you’re more like a hands on experience, like up close and personal, but anyway, how can you not learn it or learn from it, its up to you to do what you will with it. Its just funny to me how some folks think that because they have so much more or have the highest education, etc. they are so much better than everyone else, men and I admit women too, thats why I say to you ladies, we need to get up off of that high horse, we need to hold our heads high, but not too high, okay? We got to achieve and appreciate, we really need to better appreciate things rather than boasting, and yes, thats everyone in this world, but to my ladies lets see if we can do this, alright?

But as I was saying we have gifts and talents we have to express more and stop burying it, so many people have discovered their talents, and on the behalf of the ladies I’d like to mention and thank you for what you have done! Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, Jasmine Sullivan, Lauren Hill, Alecia Keys, Erika Badu, Stephanie Mills, Jodi Watley, Karen White, Cameron Diaz, Kelly Rippa, Diana Ross, Oprah Winfrey, Queen Latifah, Monique, Whoopi Goldburg, Barbara Walters, Maya Angelou, Georgie Goode, Nikki Giovanni, Alice Mathis, Zane, Bionce Fox, Vanessa Williams, Tasha Smith, DeDe McGuire, Dana Divine, (my pastor) Sarah Brown, Ms. Kimberly J, Barbara Jackson, Pamela Jackson, Tawanna White, Pamela Gates, Francis Ratcliff, Shalinda Tolbert, Dr Santos, Juanita Bynum, CeCe Winans, Yolanda Adams, Mary Mary, Venus and Serena Williams, Michelle Obama, Kween, LiL Kim, Nikki Manaj (I love both of ya) so really whats the beef about? (Mixtape Mondays), Betty (makin it happen) Wright,and yes, Madea, lol, I see all yaw kudos to you all, and too the very many many many that I didn’t mention . . . .

As We Proceed by Tammy J . . . .

While we are climbing to reach that mountain top, don’t look down don’t look back don’t pause don’t stop;

We all have a dream as we all have a story, if we don’t seek we won’t find that never ending story;

Don’t give up don’t break down and don’t you cry, just get suited and booted and continue to try;

Walk the walk down that road of ready, hold your heads up ladies stay focused stay steady;

Rather it be for professional or be it for personal, we have truly been blessed by one who is so merciful;

Now work that work that all that you gat (got), its your time to shine now thats the end of that!

Ladies I won’t take no for an answer, you shouldn’t take no for an answer, you really do owe it to yourself, stop accepting the no you’re not beautiful, no you’re not good enough, no no no, tell yourself yes yes yes, yes you are smart yes you are pretty yes you do deserve better, and by God if you believe in yourselves yes you shall receive it!!!

 CHAPTER 9

 Relationships
 (dating and marriage) . . . .

First of all people all want something different, as I always say, different strokes for different folks, some women want to be married some wants to be in a monogamous relationship and some just want to date, does that make a woman less than a woman if she doesn’t want to settle down with one guy, stereotype would label her as a whore or slut, but on the other hand, I know many of you say men have been doing this for years, but you can date and not have sex, look at Chilli (what Chillie wants), but then you do have some women out here that does want just that only one thing, that is very much possible, but to each his own, if that’s what floats your boat ladies go for it, I date at times, even though a lot of them have turned out to be disasters, and its no wonder why, but I’m working on me and it is what it is . . .

Since I’ve never been married before and I don’t be around too many that are so I’ll do my best in this area, there are sure signs that your husbands are what they are and doing what they are doing, anyone will do just what you will allow them to do, if you allow him to lie to you and you knowingly had signs and proof, etc from him cheating on you but you chose to ignore it for whatever reason, then thats you, do you, but if your heart is steady being broken and your stressing about why he isn’t treating you right or because of loyalty issues or what have ya, once you decide you will not accept this treatment any longer, you will put a stop to his behavior/well the part that is bothering you . . . .

I’ve heard a person say that the coldest game out here is the truth, yes, true game is good game and visa versa, but if hes not telling the truth isn’t he still running game? For if you’re not lying and fabricating you wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught up later, I’m just saying . . . .

Even I have to do some spring cleaning and go in my closets and sort some things out, and get rid of some things, and when I do I’ll dump my trash (later in the book), so ladies if you’re feeling guilty and unsure about any issues, no one is perfect and we’ll get to talk about it, but in the meantime lets discuss you bettering you . . . .

I read about being the one or how to be the one (for marriage that is) well to me you know you’re the one because you are the one that deserves the best and nothing less and ladies, I’m not talking about being conceited, in fact its that other c word/ confident, ladies be confident. Ladies if it takes for you to stand in the mirror and admiring and telling yourselves how beautiful you are and that you will get what you want in life, you will get what you want and deserve, rather its a man/husband, success or whatever . . . .

I heard my daughter use the term “pretty woman it”, (like Julia Roberts/pretty woman) well what woman wouldn’t want that type of treatment? But don’t get it twisted, the term gold digger doesn’t necessarily mean to pretty woman it. A gold digger is a person who uses others to get exactly what they want mostly finances, but even pretty woman fell in love, so again to all of you who thinks that all women are gold diggers you’re dead wrong . . . . See we like fine things and some of us more finer than the other, but nonetheless we like to be pampered and showered with gifts and attention, but some of us want to really be loved and in return you shall get the same treatment. We even a lot of times accept and deal with being unhappy just to please others just to get that good feeling, I know I did, some women find good feelings in money, attention, (sometimes even negative) and sex, and ladies don’t get me wrong, to each his own, but everything is not for me, and I’m not saying this is for all of you, but I know what works for me, and I am geared towards finding true happiness being happy with myself, being successful, being loved, being myself and being heard . . . .

Though this may not be for every woman, but if you want more and you know you deserve more and you believe in you this is what you are looking for, inspiration, empowerment, enthusiasm, and words of encouragement, that is intended to uplift, strengthen, and inform you that you must be true to yourself and you deserve to be heard! “Let Sheedom Ring” . . . .

There is nothing at all wrong with being in love, but you got to know the difference between being in love and being in lust, if the sex is great but you still feeling like crap, it might not be love, if you look at him and your heart skips a beat because he is so cute, but he looks across the street at another woman and brushes you off it doesn’t sound like love, and if he stays out all night before your wedding day or there are even some men who sleeps around just days before getting married, guess what ladies, thats right, thats not love, I can smell lust in all these scenarios, you have here a man whom is adored by others and you don’t want anyone else to have him, and no one blames you for feeling this way, but if the feeling is not mutual, move on, you can find someone who will pay you attention, one who will only make love to you and one who will give you the utmost respect, cause really ladies, we don’t deserve to be brushed off like some old hairball, we allow those things to go on because we are a hoping creed (correct?) . . . .

But anyway yours truly has had her share of lust spells which I thought was love. I listened to the song Speechless (Alecia Keyes) “oh my God how much I can relate”, but I just haven’t met anyone to make me speechless yet, but I’m hoping . . . .

“Anyway while yet the poet in me has not died, I wanted to share this poem with you all, hope you like it!”

Under fire by Tammy J . . . .

In love there are too many hearts broken, and there are too many words left unspoken;

The words sit on our hearts and literally burn, as we just sat n wait in silence and yearn;

For the moment to express what we’re feeling and need to say, and the opportunity to verbally seduce you before you walk away;

Its like a lamp inside of me burning a passionate flame, I do quiver and I melt like butter when you call out my name;

You have an affect on me you turn up my degree thats hot like fire, perseverance plus you and me equals my heart’s desire . . . .

 CHAPTER 10

 Open For Discussion . . . .

Ladies Ladies Ladies, why do we have to hate on each other so much, well honestly, we don’t have to but we do, look at the other woman with envy because we may look at another female and think shes prettier than us, shes thicker in the hips, shes light skinned, she has long hair, her nails are done, her weave costs more, I mean for all these silly reasons we hate on each other, and I’m not ashamed to mention I even go there, but I realize how silly it is of me, so I work on myself inside and out, I can go get my nails done, I can buy me a weave, and I can bleach my skin, so we really do some silly and petty ass unnecessary hatin on one another, its just a matter of being beautiful in your own way, be your happy you, and remember no one can be you better than you can be yourself, you know how all the impersonators does just that?, they impersonate, but its always something about that person that even money can’t buy, its your own God given you, no one can be you but you . . . .

Have you ever loved something or someone but it irked the hell out of you? Well I am addicted to Basketball Wives, I love watching it, but I hate the way everyone tries to put themselves on a pedal stool, now as I said we must have confidence, but why be cocky, I mean I was heated when Jennifer was telling Tammie that she had never seen a food stamp, which she probably didn’t, so its not necessary to hate her for that, but when Shaunie went back and told the girl’s business she was mocking her too, and that aint right (I have a strong feeling that if it hadn’t been for Shaq and his money she would have been real acquainted with foodstamps too) but Evlyn was laughing with Jennifer as if she hadn’t either, and in some way to me she too was putting her down, even though she didn’t say anything about it, but when you laughing at the situation, I think you’re just as guilty. But when Evlyn had the date/brunch with Tammie, she admitted to being on welfare and WIC and all, at least Tammie was real about her struggles and what she had been through. I feel like this, don’t be ashamed of who you are (sometimes you just can’t help your circumstances), don’t try to act like something you’re not, I totally understand about encouraging yourself to reep more and better wealth and sometimes that means even pretending, but that right there is too dam much . . . .

However I don’t like the turn out with Gloria and Matt Barnes, all I can say is Gloria stay strong, you stood up for yourself all through the show and I’m pleased, and keep doing it for yourself (smile), another thing that belongs to a woman is courage . . . . Shaunie aka Miss Bitter (poor thang), I’m not making mockery of your situations and circumstances, although you should not be unhappy, right? Lol, anyway say what you’re gonna say on your own, don’t wait until Jennifer and Evlyn says something or if they got an issue with someone (such as Susan/ Gloria/ Etc.) then here you come adding your two cents to the equation, and then when you yapped all up in Glo’s face and even though she wasn’t running, but you basically ran her away from the restaurant. Now that did not look too classy, but then yaw judge Royce on her provocative dancing, and worried about image, come on ladies get it right. Susan I don’t blame you for not wanting to be involved in all the drama, you can definitely get you other friends, and Royce you should stop inviting Susan out if you know Evlyn is gonna pick on her, yeah its immature or as you say high school, but its not Susan, you should tell Evlyn that, and Jennifer Jennifer Jennifer, o yea Shaunie is this your joint (Basketball Wives), or is it Evlyn’s, like when she said you have to pick 1 or the other as your friend, and how she looked at you, like she wasn’t playing either, see we do some very unnecessary hatin . . . .

Jennifer girl, what were you thinking putting up with that treatment from Eric? Now I don’t know rather to say that was stupid or to applaud you, let me explain, aint no way we as any woman should go through something like that and a woman such as myself will not go through anything like that, but we all need some work on something, but I see you boo boo about to launch your own lip gloss, maybe you put up with that shit to reep the benefits, feel me? Lol, get the dam divorce, cause he has shown signs more colorful than Crayola that he don’t want you, there are more fish in the sea . . . .

What about them dam Bad Girls??? “OMG this is the most confused group of girls I have ever seen! Where do I start? Okay, Char you claim you are the oldest in the house why not act like it, but instead you run around the house ranting and raving for some petty ass shit, being mad at Nikki is one thing, but being mad at the other roommates because they are not mad at her, what the hell? I see that everyday, the old I’m mad at that person so my friends and family has to be mad and against them too, now this is immature, not to mention when you stormed through the house snapping and saying that you’re the Tanisha of the house and that you run BGCH 6, and just earlier in the show you said that no one will run the house over the other, can you make up your mind? Come on now get it together girly, that is not how you do hood things, you don’t give others credibility for you being you, I mean sometimes when it comes to inspiring you ok, but showing or acting like a bad ass because of another person that is not too hood, its just not real, and who cries on Bad Girls? We carry our own, and did you say you

were or were not from Chicago? Would that be Robbins or Park Forest? (thats not Chitown officially). And Jessica girl its cool to be mature and not get involved in too much drama, but don’t kick it with one girl and be on some whatever type of stuff and talk about the others, and then go back and phoney kick it with the others, (I think thats what they call 2 faced), Kori you poor thing, you follow Char and follow her commands, toughen up be strong and speak up for yourself, basically have your own mind and identity, but you’re too worried about being a hater over looks, like when you assumed or purposely changed Ashley’s words and said she said she was prettier than all of the girls in the house, she did not say that, and as viewers we get to see the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth, lol, but anyway she said that she was more $*&ed up than all yaw, she did not say that she was the prettiest, now because you were hatin on the girl you got all the other girls to hate her too, the only difference tho bro, as (Nikki would say) all of them were not hatin on her, there is a difference. because for one thats all you been on since the girl arrived, allow me to quote ya, “shes got huge boobs, no one is suppose to have bigger boobs than me), I mean your green eyes was glowing and flaring from jump, (the green eyed monster) feel me? But now thats the stuff I’m talkin bout that unnecessary envy and hatin, don’t worry about what the other woman looks like or what she has, be happy with you and that other stuff won’t matter . . . .

Sydney Sydney Sydney, girl if you are that way (quite promiscuous) and sleep with other guys other than your so called lover, then how are you gonna be attached, I’m not saying it is or isn’t cool to be that way, cause I don’t judge you one way or the other, but if you don’t want anyone to know about it you shouldn’t do it where people can see you (like on national tv) or you shouldn’t trust your roommates and you’ve only known them for what a week? I’mma tell you though, that is one fine brother you got there, that you consider your love on me man, I think yaw make a cute couple too, but don’t settle, don’t accept the friend with benefits if you’re not ready for it and you really want more, because I can recall on the show when you brought Char and the other girls back to the room to lie for you, and you said me and my boyfriend and I told you we as viewers get to see everything, and I don’t miss anything, anyway you should have seen the look on his face, like, I didn’t say that, or like he was questioning it, now I’m not one to start none but I do tend to keep it real!

Ooooweeee, stop the press, this just in, I’m sitting here watching an old episode of America’s next top model, and they’re having a deliberation, and Janice, “oh boy, OMG”, she really has issues and drugs is not it, I seen her own Celebrity Rehab and how that experience was for her, and for a moment I felt sorry for her, I still do until she opens her mouth and let the negative mentality out, (most would say b###h) I mean the other judges are calm and just critiquing the girl’s photo, but she is so nasty and getting hostile and irate in her demeanor, almost like shes hateful and discriminative, so I go back and forth with this one, but some of us has earned the title of that chosen term, b####! But as I say and believe that sometimes thats all we have to hold on to, I sooo believe in integrity and morality and respect, etc. but I have to call it like I see it . . . .

I look around and see all the first ladies in these churches/ministries, it makes me so proud to be a woman, what about the women judges, the women in politics and all, women all up in the steal mills, women barbers, women basketball stars, tennis, football and all, wow, you can’t say what a woman can’t do, ya see I guess we always did have the potential to do anything (I can do all things in Christ which strengthens me) . . . .

Overall ladies we need to be better women, but we gotta have expectations too, please know that if you provoke someone to be negative its more than likely coming back on you somehow, someday, if you judge and laugh at someone, please believe someone else is laughing at you, don’t ever under estimate a man’s will or won’t, you may think he won’t but he will, you may think that he will but he won’t! You gotta trust in yourselves ladies, stop being so insecure, stop turning your nose up at the other lady, its not her fault shes pretty, or your man is watching her, or for whatever reason, if you are secure about and within yourself you don’t have to hate on another woman, you may be surprised but instead you just might be happy for her . . . .

 (BONUS CHAPTERS)

 CHAPTER 11

 Confessions . . . .

At first I was reluctant to do this, but I added this chapter as a bonus, cause I promised to tell ya about my own experiences, and I wanted to get a few things off my chest, and knowing that I will more than likely be judged but I risk that so that I can reach out to my readers more, as I have mentioned earlier, a lot of the situations I can relate to so well because your’s truly have been involved in very many of them!

As I said I have suffered a great deal of low self esteem, and went through the physical abuse, I’m still dealing with some issues, but no one is perfect and I’m still working on myself, and in reference to Steve Harvey’s, He aint through with me yet, thanks Steve this is such a true statement for many of us, and I’m accepting His blessings so I will be what He wants me to be, but I have some things I need to get off my shoulders first . . . .

I am currently on the dating line, which I’m sure many think its kinda weird, well I guess thats why all these dating websites are making millions and millions of dollars, o yea that is weird, anyway I was not so comfortable with myself and though I’m pretty in the face, but the body is not what many may typically order off the menu (feel me?), so thats where the low self esteem comes in at, I use the phone to hide my true identity and it allows me to be more comfortable and relaxed, and Steve Harvey has made this online dating a phenomenal, so I am definitely not ashamed anymore. I am kinda shy, and I am breaking out of my shell more and more and writing this book seems to be helping me, so consider this as self therapy, lol, and to all my facebook people, lbvs . . . .

I am not a proud woman of what I did in my past, I was quite promiscuous when I was younger and mostly because it was fun, but as I got older I was on a quest for love, hard to find, but nonetheless I didn’t and won’t give up until I find what I desire or until it finds me, but I did what I did in my past because I wanted attention, I would sleep with married men, knowingly and not, I didn’t too much really care though, because as long as I was getting that fulfillment, that attention, that love, that sex, that everything that he gives his wife I was satisfied, cause this is what I was longing for, so I was greedy and would sleep with the married man just to make myself happy. “I just truly thank God that now I’ve changed, the things I use to do I don’t do no more”, and yes yaw prayer does change things . . . .

While I’m on the subject of confessions, I’ll share a few more, I like watching Jerry Springer, I like football, I love basketball, I had a couple of my friend’s guys to try to hit on me, but noooo, I wouldn’t ever do that (as far as sleeping with my friend’s or family member’s man) and I bet some of you say well, you slept with married men and didn’t care, whats the difference? At least I wouldn’t know the wife of the married men I would sleep with, if thats worth anything. And while I’m being real and confessing and all, I have an eye problem and you may catch me staring but its not what you may think, yes I love women, but I am not gay, I love what we represent, I love what we are, what we can do, what we have done, but I’m not attracted to women sexually, now if I was interested in something like that it wouldn’t be no secret, I’m too open and outspoken to hide or be ashamed of anything about myself, besides you know how hot lesbianism is? And I’m strugglin trying to come up too, have I ever wondered (curious) real talk, yes, but who else is woman enough and courageous enough to admit it, despite what others may think? Hmmmmm, lets just see, anyway, I know that thats not my cup of tea, to each his own, but I’m cool, just give me a man with a masculine but gentle touch and a big heart, wallet, shoe,???, lol, and to all my friends and so called friends you don’t have to spread false rumors about me behind my back (if you wanna know something about me just ask me), or you don’t have to be uncomfortable around me I am not a p snatcher, lol . . . .

There are some small minded people in this world, and they like to assume a lot and if they can spread some juicy gossip that sounds good, they will kick it off, but you know what they say, when you assume you make an ass of yourself, and oh well, now I’m ready for my close up, my lie detector test,etc., lol . . . .

I love Keri Hilsen for her sensational, Pretty Girl Rock, you know how she say she can talk about it cause she know she pretty and if you know it too then ladies sing it with me, I get chills when I hear that part, ya see I can talk about these things because I am confident and secure, and I take my wig off to Beyonce for her song Green Light, and Girls run it! Who run the world?, girls, “YEA” (in my LiL John voice) ok? Lol. All negativity can go, ya got the green light baby, oh oh oh oh, Mary J Blige, Ditty, and Lil Wayne, I’m lovin this joint too, (Lookin for someone to love me) wow, right on time, I am sooo luvin it, and heres to all the men in the industry who makes positive and sexy and juicy songs about us women but not degrading, “Pitbull I see you baby in my Lloyd voice), Go girl, Tone Loc/Wild Thang . . . .

I have been down the road of emotional wreckage a lot, I have allowed men to use me and manipulate me, I had fallen under the spell of the saying and belief that any attention (even bad) is better than no attention at all, I had convinced myself to believe that! Which is another reason why I suffered the abuse, and why I accepted and put up with the cheating and the lying, I ignored the signs that were right in front of me, and I would often feel like well, sometimes it will get better or I’d say at least I got a man, but really? He was my company but not a real man because real men don’t do this! I snapped out of it, it took a while but after the pains, I snapped out of it (the spell that is) . . . .

But before I did snap out, the things that I allowed I am very ashamed of now, I allowed my daughter to be abused, my baby’s daddy would leave hand prints on my child’s face from squeezing it so hard, he burned her feet with a lighter, he left bruises on her ribs that were so bad the skin had broken, well I without shame and denial told him that there was a possibility she wasn’t his child, but did that give him the right to do these things? Was I around when he did this? No, Did I do anything about it? Well, no, not really, and when he would deny it I would accept that and believe him knowing that it wasn’t really possible for anyone else to commit these acts, or at least no one else even had a motive, but really I would realize I had no one else, well I admit I was being selfish, cause it was all about me being happy, and that made me comfortable! I know I know maybe I deserve to be bashed, I am disappointed in myself to have been this way, I was so dam stupid, but my God, thank you for change . . . .

Am I perfect? No, I still make mistakes in life, but prayer changes things . . . .

Heavenly Father; I come to you as humble as I know how, I confess my sins, those known and unknown. Lord you know I’m not perfect and I just want to take time out to say thank you. Thank you for your mercy. I have more bills than money, but thank you for my home, car, food, life, etc. I realize that this life I’m living is full of trials and tribulations, but thank you for not putting more on me than I can bare . . . . Now the next time you get ready to complain, remember that you have more to be thankful for than to complain about, we must go through the storms to appreciate the sunshine!

Though it sometimes takes a while for your sunshine to come through, but you have to be patient, I am confident that the Lord will bless me and prepare me for all He has for me, I am confident that I will be successful and I will reep my hearts desires . . . .

“I wanted to take this time out and tell my daughter and all the young girls and ladies who has experienced any sexual abuse by the hands of some sicko, I’m sorry for what she went through, and I totally understand about holding it in, I mean some things you don’t wanna talk about, but pray for healing, and go, run, tell somebody, it can help, I guess some things are good to talk about, thanks Shekenya Harris for helping me to better prepare and teach my kids about sexual abuse . . . .

I’m sure I mentioned it before, but I receive treatment and counseling (and its making me a better person) women, we are very self conscience when it comes to other’s opinions of us, what others think, say and feel about us! But we must put that aside and accept ourselves, and not worry about what they think, honestly I feel good about opening up and sharing my stories, because more people may open up as well, it is what it is people, rather you have mental, emotional, or whatever type of issues, afterall I mean we all got issues, and yes its up to the other to accept and deal with it, but you know as they say, it is better to be honest and upfront, cause when that surprise image of you show up later on it might be a problem. Now I’m not saying you have to go around blurting out your personal business or whatever, but do realize and accept your own identity, and share with whom you feel comfortable with. I love you Oprah, Monique, and all the women of abuse (sexual or otherwise) for coming forward and telling your stories . . . .

Heres another one ladies, to show I am not perfect and still uses poor judgment. I reunited with an old school mate, I thought it was genuine, and even though I would see signs that it wasn’t mutual, I ignored them and chose to give it a try anyway, (cause they already say we jump to conclusions anyway ladies), so I shut up and went along with it, with the hopes that I was exaggerating. And me knowing that this man did not really want me, because although his tongue said one thing his actions said another, and as you all know action speaks louder than words, but anyway I was so happy when he came back into my life (no we weren’t together before, its just that he was in my class when I was in grammar school) and I thought that was very exciting, especially since I had a crush on him when I was younger and I was instantly head over hills for this man . . . .

I mean always driving out to his house just to kick it with him, paying for things, without his help, throwing him a little change, and I saw that he really had no interest in me but I allowed him to tell me different, now this wasn’t too long ago, and of course I know better now, but I went along with it anyway. Yes, ladies this bullshit went on for about 5 months or so, and not to mention we never had sex, (which is some real bull but I guess thats good on my part and his), because real talk had it not been right/good, I probably would have put him on blast if ya know what I mean, so he should be thanking God for my change too . . . . but like R Kelly say, when a woman’s fed up, its some things we will do to show it, aint it? Yeah right we keep in touch but I gotta move on, like Jay Z say its on to the next one, now I can see holding out for a month or even two, but come on now ladies, I had to come to grips with the fact that he wasn’t in to me, and thats cool, but he had me believing otherwise for a while, but again ladies action speaks louder than words, so yes I was a goof for some of the things I did, but I bounced back and now I’m all good, and ladies you can too! . . . .

 CHAPTER 12

 Confident Woman . . . .

I know that I may have shared my thoughts about the Nicki Minaj and Lil Kim thing earlier, but I also wanted to add this to that equation, their beefing almost caused a household to be divided, my daughter being such an N. M. fan and me being a from the hard knocks Lil Kim fan, we never argue or anything (besides, she knows better) but when we discuss this issue I do somewhat get heated to know this is going on, and I’m sorta torn in between the two of them, I mean they are both hot (image wise and lyrically), so whats the beef about anyway? Are they feuding over who has the most botox or what? Just as the war in Iraq, so is this one senseless, but I know how the industry is. Look mamas don’t get it wrong although I don’t seek confrontation, I don’t hesitate speaking my mind and I do it so honestly, I am disappointed in what I’m seeing, I love the both of yooz, hands down, and thats my verdict!

Now ladies, I know at any given moment I can be scrutinized, by either one of you, my peers, your fans, etc., because I have spoken my mind, and I’m a big girl (Big Gurl Diva to be exact), but I feel confident in myself that, that doesn’t bother me, I have honestly expressed how I feel . . . .

I am ever so glad to be blessed, and I thank God for the strength I have today”. We have to get it together anyway as a human race (both men and women) but I dedicate and offer this as a shout out to you women, afterall is it not your time to shine; shine for you, ladies . . . .

Be strong in the Lord and you shall definitely be strong within yourself, I am so proud of the women of the Christianhood, anyway to Robin from Tyra’s America’s next top model, when you refused to do the nude photo shoot, because it felt morally wrong and spiritually, I was proud of you for standing up for what you believed in, and thats what its all about, but as you say in the end you shall come out on top . . . .

“I thank God for making it possible for me to reach out to others and creating a vision within me, now let me get ready for this superbowl game (Steelers verses Packers) “Go Steelers” . . . .

I’m sitting here watching Whats love got to do with it, yes the woman thats the epitome to all women who has overcome physical abuse domestic violence, I’m sure we only saw the scenes on the screen, but who knows what type of torture he (Ike) put her through. I think about all the things my mom would tell me, about how my father use to beat the hell out of her, and I can recall a couple of incidents myself, like the time when he tried to throw her out of a second floor window when we were living on Wilson (Chicago’s northside) when I was about 5 or 6 years old, and somewhere around the same time we stayed in this abandoned hotel, my father knocked over a grandfather clock (old school) and broke her toe, during one of the times when he jumped on her, we went through a lot, my mom mostly, but thank God she was strong enough to get out of it, and alive too, so I take my wig and ponytail off to Tina Turner, my mom, and all the women who came out on top of an abusive relationship, and rather it was physical, emotional or any kind, ladies ladies ladies, “hip hip hurray” . . . .

I wanted to give a shout out to Facebook, cause if you wanna learn about anything, be it inspirational, whos doing who or what, thats a place to be, Facebook is the cyber club of today and its a freelance one stop shop for all, and I gotta send a shot out to Curtis Spectra Rupert I call him CSR, he posts some of the most interesting and intriguing comments and discussions, we were joking and he said something about an award, and I agree he does deserve one, for his page/blogs/comments/etc. For things he be saying, so I nominate the brother for that award, plus he puts hits and tips on his wall about self help for women . . . .

Ladies you are not gonna believe this, why the dude I was just speaking about earlier just texted me asking if I was still on the same bulls???, hell I done wrote a whole book since I last spoke to him, just as I was putting my finishing touches on here, he texted, as if he felt me writing about him, lol. He got his nerves, am I on bulls??? “huh” well my friend I don’t too much believe in getting even or revenge, but you brought this on yourself, I have moved on and now you wanna act like you got some sense, well heres to Faith Evans, just in time for the Already been gone award of the year, I don’t mean to sound so cold to you men, but he messed over me, he tried to play me, he thought because he was talking all that baby baby stuff, he had me hooked, now I do fall easily but I don’t get stuck, anyway ladies I think I may need your help on this one, what do you seriously think I should do? You may share your answers and inputs at my email, tammyjloves@yahoo.com, and I honestly will consider all responses and answers and I just may use them in my next hit novel . . . .

I had to come back because early on I asked for your advice on what I should do, well to show you that God works faster than man/human, all that He requires is faith and patience, well remember me mentioning I was on a dateline, and again I say who is real enough to admit that or any truth? Well I found my love, we’re due to get married this summer, now I know some of you may say thats so soon, well no one knows how God will work with you, this man got me back in church and where I wanna be, he says he prays for me while I sleep, what? (no man has ever done or even said that to me), “wow”, this man deserves my all, I’m willing to sacrifice and be submissive (because sometimes thats what it takes to keep the peace and your household happy) I am so use to being the head honcho in my domain, I’m use to running things single handed and ladies theres nothing wrong with that, but as for me I’m trying something new, after all this is what works for me and thats all that matters right?

Today was a good day for me, I was baptized again and filled with the Holy Spirit, as I said I’m not perfect and the Lord is still working on me, but what lead me to that was the message delivered by the preacher earlier, and in it was so much but mostly when he mentioned people need to be themselves, stop worrying about what others think or say, and that God is not limited and He doesn’t discriminate, and that is my message all day long. Now if God had not sent this man into my life, I would not have been there at that church to hear that message, ya see how everything happens for a reason? And I say this, there is a reason why you are reading this book, maybe its a message in here for you, I am confident that God will do what He said He will do, I am confident that women all over the world will shine, I am confident that I will see you at the top, and I am confident that you will enjoy this book, and if that is true, drop me an email or visit me at http://bfhsnetwork.com/profile/TamaraJackson, www.pbpproductionsinc.yolasite.com, or follow me on my Twitter page @ prettybaby81275 or you can comment or say hi on my Facebook page TamaraTheBiGurlDivaJackson . . . .

Thank you again for allowing me to be a part of your entertainment, enjoyment, and healing, God bless you all!

 EPILOGUE

I started writing this book several months ago, and just when I was about to get it published, I was redirected to wait and by doing so I gained more that I wanted to add, I want to give all praises to God the Father and Jesus Christ, I am so full of the Holy Spirit right now, I’m up out of bed before 6 am, (which is something I haven’t done in a while), I was delivered from sin and demons on yesterday, and I want to tell you all this is so real, if it were not I wouldn’t tell you so! As the women of God were praying over me I could hear as they claimed and confessed the mighty name of Jesus, and put their hands on my stomach and head and rebuked while I was praying and crying out to God I felt the forces gagging and coughing and refusing to leave my body, and the more they called on Jesus the more the demons slowly tried to resist, growling and panting, breathing heavily, but by obedience and authority they had to flee, yes, I am adding this to my book, for one I wanted to share my very true experiences with you all, and I wanted to point out to you what God has done even by the vessels of women (don’t tell me what He won’t do) He can use anybody (man, woman, boy, girl) and I just want to thank the women of the Assembly who helped me on yesterday 05-15-11, you all are truly blessed by God and are His workers . . . .

Now, its not that I haven’t experienced this before, its just that I have backslid- den (not bragging but being sincere), but I was delivered by a woman before, many times before, and I just wanted to thank my pastor, Pastor Brown (a sweet lady of God), and lady Twayla (I might be spelling that wrong) but yes I was delivered when she laid hands on me and cast out demonic forces (Twayla is Pastor Mase’s wife) the one and only Mason Bethea, remember Mase of Bad Boys, I’m sure everybody may have heard that he was pastoring/preaching now, and I know not everybody believe, but yes, its real, and he is truly serving God, and I just thank God right now for using him and his wife to reach me and help me, once again I say don’t tell me what God won’t do and who He won’t use!

Its time out for judging a woman’s strength and faith and ability, as the pastor said on yesterday, we as women have come a long way, there was a time when women could not preach, teach, vote, play sports professionally, such as basketball, football, and more, but in my Chris Brown voice, look at us now, lol, look at Joyce Myers, look at Oprah, look at Hillary Clinton, look at Michelle Obama, look at Monique, just look around, if God says its okay isn’t it okay?

I enjoyed speaking with the may women, ladies, and even men who helped inspire the influence for me to produce this book, my niece, I am so proud of her and her spiritual development with God, He has blessed her with unique peace, and she has been strengthened o so well to know that she does not need a man to make her happy, whereas at one point she thought that she could not live without one, thank God for change . . . .

I also wanna give a shout out to the ladies at Simply Fashions (women’s apparel outlet) on 103rd & King Drive, I agree that if you be patient and wait on God He will send you what you need rather it be a man, husband, finances, deliverance, etc.), I was at Bible conference last night and witnessed a young girl being so disrespectful, I will not blast her name, but angrily and in my old fleshly ways I would have, but instead I pray for that child and rebuke any demonic force and spirit that dwells within her, I truly sympathize with her because as she spoke I saw so many of my own old characters in her, and in hindsight that has me thinking back to my traumatizing experience and incident and I can’t help but wonder if something of the likeness is bothering her too, I’m not saying it is, but shes crying for something, and maybe she doesn’t know who to cry out to, or how, but God I ask that you deliver her from that, honestly I was angry, but God you gave me the strength and the mind to deal with that situation a lot better, and I thank you for my present mind and healing, and continue to bless all . . . .

Its been a real joy voicing out to you ladies and men should it be, thanks!!!